The roller coaster called Jude

Last night Jude got very restless, was crying in pain, and just having an overall hard time. So I decided to try out the Ativan that Hospice prescribed. I drew up the 0.25 mg which was such a tiny amount. Jude struggled about 30 more minutes and then he was fast asleep. In fact he only woke up ONCE through the night and ended up sleeping FOURTEEN hours. I couldn't believe it and during that time his oxygen held steady not dropping once. However Mike and I were both concerned because he seemed to be so sedated for so long. The hospice nurse was sweet and texted me that he was probably just exhausted. So I figured Jude just needed a little help to finally help him rest.  Finally about 1pm Jude woke up and he had an amazing day. He smiled, he coo'd, he laughed at everyone, and he held his oxygen (for the most part) on room air! We were all AMAZED!

It was like a complete turn around......................then 7pm struck. Jude has been moaning, crying, requiring more oxygen, and just overall miserable. I guess this is what Hospice meant by good days, bad days, and in the middle. I hate to keep drugging Jude. However, I asked Mike "Is it worth giving him this medication and letting him get rest to receive several wonderful hours with him and keeping him out of pain?". I wish I had a nurse here with me to tell me what they think. Sometimes I feel so lost and at other times I remember this is just our new normal.

Such a rapid up and down with Jude. I am sure people are overwhelmed with my happy posts on Facebook and then to receive an unhappy post. However I ask people to just remember that this blog and Facebook are rather therapeutic for me right now. Currently I am holding off on the medication but I have it to give if Jude continues to struggle.

I have "The Sound of Music" on and I am trying to entertain Jude with the music. "Edelweiss" is playing.........one of my favorite songs and Jude is currently very quiet listening. I remember Emily surprised me once by playing that song on piano and I said that's "Edleweiss"! She just said "I know" and smiled. She is at her dads won't be back until Christmas Eve and I already miss her. 

As I sit here tonight I am grateful Jude is with us even if he is on hospice. I am grateful for Emily's health, our snug and warm home that is filled with so many great memories, and an understanding job that has worked with me during this hard time.

Merry Christmas everyone. May your family be blessed this next week and always.